6 weeks in, 6 weeks out

Six weeks ago I was discharged from CAP for the second time this year. This time instead of spending 10 days, like I had before, I spent 6 weeks.

After my last post, things got darker; suicidal thoughts were uncontrollable, anxiety was extremely crippling, and I didn’t feel safe. I felt like the medications I had been switched to not only weren’t working, but they were making things worse. After phoning my parents on April 6th, they made the time to pick me up to go to the hospital (while Cody stayed with Wyatt).

I was triaged and then sat down in the waiting room. We waited for over 5 hours before we were put into a room. Since the ER we were at doesn’t normally staff psych nurses, someone from Mobile Crisis was called to talk to me. I was questioned about how I was feeling. She told me “there were a lot of other crazies in tonight too”. That stung. Not because I was hurt from her words but because I knew how far we need to come with mental health stigma. Once she was done asking questions, we were told to come back in the morning since there were no psychologists on that night. I was too tired, scared, and defeated. My mom and I returned the next morning and I was admitted.

Once I was admitted, medication changes started. In between my admissions, I learned about ketamine treatments. I ask my psychologist if I could try them, and I started 2 days later. I was extremely nervous to try ketamine treatments even though I had met people that had great success with them.

On the morning of treatments, I would wake up between 6:30 and 7 to have my vitals taken. At 7:30, I was escorted to the surgical unit of the hospital where my treatments would take place in the recovery area. An IV was put in and a ketamine drip would run for 50 mins. I always used a weighted sleep mask and had meditation music playing through my headphones.

For the first time in a long time, my brain got a break. I was able to go into a deep meditative state. I kept repeating “I am safe, I am loved, I am wanted” in my head in hopes that neuro-pathways would form in my brain. I completed 2 treatments a week while I was admitted. I also started a new antidepressant, a new anti anxiety, and another sleep medication while I was in CAP.

I was able to have visitors while admitted. So many of my family members came to visit, or to take me out of the hospital for a few hours. A few weeks into my admission, I was able to go home for the weekend. It was so nice to be home for a few days at a time.

My anxiety started to get manageable and my mood started to improve. I was finally feeling good enough to go home.  Once I was home, I had a great couple of weeks. Anxiety was manageable, and the dark cloud of depression was letting the sun shine through.

After a few weeks home, my anxiety started to get noticeably higher. As my anxiety got higher, the dark cloud followed. Going to events now include masking how I am feeling just to get through. Crying at home after has become part of my going out routine. Suicidal thoughts are daily. Hoping I don’t wake up in the morning has become one of the last thoughts before I fall asleep.

One of the CBT-m courses suggested doing the things you enjoyed before depression, to try to spark something up. Cody and I have continued to foster kittens. I have found a new love for propagating house plants. Wyatt and I have been painting.

I am working hard to stay afloat. Depression is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I am lucky to have my support system.

Be kind and eat beef,

Shayla