Recovery isn't always uphill

I had a rude awakening this weekend that my progress will not always feel like it is going uphill.  I wasn’t feeling great mentally on Thursday, but I decided to push myself anyway on Friday to go to the Brandon Winter Fair.  

I grew up going to the Winter Fair every year.  Those are some of the best memories I have as a kid, so I wanted to share the tradition with Wyatt.  I knew that the fair was going to be overwhelming, but I decided to suck it up for Wyatt.  I felt fine for a while when we got there but soon felt so overwhelmed.  There were so many sounds, lights, and smells that were unusual to my everyday life, and to add to it it felt like there were millions of people there.

I got to the point that I started to shut down.  While my family enjoyed a dog show, I stood in a quiet spot up on the main concourse.  My nervous system was past the fight and flight stage and now had moved on to the freeze stage.  Once everyone was reunited again I didn’t want to talk, I just knew I needed to get out of there.  I told Cody that it was time to leave and we made our way through the maze of people back to the vehicle.

For the rest of the weekend I didn’t feel myself.  I had a hard time sitting though Easter family meals since my body and mind felt too irritable.  Then when last night rolled around I had had enough.  

Cody and I put Wyatt to bed together like we normally do and I kissed Wyatt on the forehead with tears rolling down my face.  Cody asked what was wrong.  I told him I don’t want to live anymore.  At this point I am not suicidal but I don’t want to live.  

I have been fighting this fight for the last 3 weeks, and last night I felt like I was back to square one.  Feeling this way fucking sucks.  I thought I was through the storm last Wednesday, but the storm has circled back. 

I have been working so hard on meditating, trying to be positive, reading on how to treat trauma in the body, and getting up in the morning and not just staying in bed.  I am so frustrated from working so hard and it felt like the results I was seeing disappeared faster than they came in.

I had an appointment with my doctor today and expressed how I was feeling.  We decided to up the Escitalopram dose that I am on from 15mg a day to 20mg a day.  I hope that it will work, but the thing with this class of medications, it takes 4-6 weeks to feel the full effect.

After my appointment, Cody and I took our 2 dogs for a walk and it felt better while I was outside.  I walked “Cody’s” dog as we are training to become a volunteer therapy team.

When I got inside I noticed I had a message from the animal rescue that we work with.  They have asked us to take in a 7 week old puppy.  This makes me excited that I will make a difference and save a life.

Being asked to foster brought me back to my reasons to live: my family, my friends, to help others in similar situations as I am in and to help animals.  I keep repeating those reasons every time I feel like I don’t want to live.

I know the storm will pass but going through it fucking sucks..