This is 28.

Today is my 28th birthday. I have never understood why people dread birthdays; this year, more than ever, I have seen my birthday as a milestone that some people don’t get. Turning 28 has been one of the greatest privileges that I have had in my life. I have survived the year that almost killed me, but I am still here. So today, I choose to celebrate myself and everything I have accomplished this year.

At the start of the year, we lost our second son. I thought that was the end of me. Postpartum depression took over and turned into a major depressive episode. I spent a total of about eight weeks in an acute psychiatric ward. I tried a total of eight new medications (of those eight, two have worked). I have undergone thirty-two ketamine treatments.

Around August, my year started turning around….

I started going to the gym and working with a personal trainer. I began viewing exercise not as a chore but as an outlet to get out of my mind and into my body. Working with a trainer has been great. I show up at the gym, and I don’t have to think of what I am going to do because she has it all planned out already. Working out with someone other than Cody has helped me work on taking constructive criticism. I have come a long way since starting at the gym, and I am extremely proud of myself for going.

I went for a haircut, and my hairdresser said something that stuck with me: “There’s something beautiful about a family of three.” I started viewing our family differently. The way Cody and I can both hold Wyatt’s hand when we are walking somewhere. The way the three of us can sit together and watch a movie together. The space between Cody and me in bed that seems to fit Wyatt perfectly when he’s scared in the night.

I started working with an occupational therapist. When my insurance company wanted me to work with her, I was confused. I was already working with a therapist, and I am not physically disabled, so I didn’t know what we were going to do. We worked on identifying when I started to feel anxious and intervened with coping skills early. We also started making small, easy changes in my day-to-day life (like making sure to go outside every day), and over time, that has made a huge difference in my life. Working with her has been so helpful in my daily life. I am excited to say that I will be starting back at work on January 13th!

Of course, I couldn’t celebrate the victories without the people who held me up during the dark times…

To the family and friends who helped me get through the hardest year of my life: your encouragement, love, and understanding have truly saved my life, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me.

To my husband, Cody: over this year, you had enough strength for both of us. You pulled me in closer when I tried to push everything away. I am so proud to call you my husband, and I love you more than words can explain. Thank you for making me stay.

To Wyatt: I am so grateful every day that I stayed. You always light up my day. I am so lucky to have you as my son. Mommy loves you so much. I will continue to fight for you.

While I celebrate my birthday, I hope everyone else celebrates the end of their calendar year. You did it. You made it, and I am proud of you. Thank you for being here. I know you’ve probably had some rough days this year, but you survived them, and I am proud of you. Happy New Year, everyone!

Be kind and eat beef,

Shayla