My stay at CAP

On the 12th of March, I could feel I didn’t have much fight left in me, but I continued on as good as I could.  The suicidal thoughts continued even stronger, I didn’t want to act on them but I didn’t want to live anymore

I went over to my in-laws, and had tea with my Mother-in-Law.  She was worried about me and had made phone calls to anyone she knew with a mental health profession background.  She had found out about the Centre for Adult Psychiatry in Brandon and mentioned it to me.  It was like the weight had been taken off of my shoulders; I had been thinking about going there for the past couple of weeks.  Her bravery in bringing it up to me probably saved my life.

I left the room and started making calls to see what I needed to do to get in.  My Sister-in-Law's mom caught wind through my mom, and she offered to come over for the night.  The night was spent trying to make a plan to get into somewhere that could help me.  Nothing was off the table at that point; we even looked into facilities in Ontario and British Columbia.

I had an appointment with my doctor at 9 am on the 13th.  I told her about the serotonin syndrome as well as the withdrawals.  Then I told her how the suicidal thoughts weren’t going away and I had lost my will to live.  She said she would call and do her best to get me into CAP (Centre of Adult Psychiatry).

I packed my bags in anticipation of my stay.  I took the strings out my hoodies, packed the comfiest clothes I had and was ready to go.  My doctor told me to go to the Brandon Emergency room at 4:30 to meet with the psych on call.

At 4:30 Cody and I went to the ER, went through the triage and within 10 mins we were in a room meeting with the psych on call.  I had the option to try to change medications as an outpatient or to be admitted.  I knew even though it was a tough decision, I chose to be admitted.

We had 2 nurses bring us down to the CAP ward of the hospital.  My anxiety was so high; walking into a room knowing how bad you are internally struggling is one thing, but walking into a room with people who know you are internally struggling is another.

Cody helped me get unpacked and went for a tour of the facility with me.  He gave me a hug and a kiss and told me how proud he was of me. The rest of the night was a blur.

Most people would think that Isaac was the reason that I was in there.  That is partially true, but there were a lot of traumatic events that had happened in my life that were also part of the root cause.

I made goals that I wanted to meet before going home.  The most important one was finding a reason to live.  Obviously, I wrote down my family and friends, but to me that was not enough.  They could get over losing me.  I needed to re-find my purpose in life.  

I learned alot about myself over the next few days.  I had always known I was an empathic person, but I started to wonder why I was the one to be chosen to be empathic?  I started to think of other people feeling the way that I was at that moment and it made me feel sick.  I have a support system that got me here, got me help and wasn’t afraid to ask for help for me.  Other people need a voice or someone they can relate to when going through struggles.  There was my first reason to live; to help other people in similar situations.  

My second reason to live was to help animals.  We have fostered animals in the past but they also don’t have a voice and they cannot ask for help.  I decided at that moment I was going to start fostering again (not everyone knows that; so surprise we're going to have more animals on the farm lol!)

As the days went on, more and more reasons to live started coming through, and I felt more confident I belonged here on Earth and not in Heaven. 

I spent a lot of time journaling, in group sessions, and meeting with my doctors and nurses.    I met a lot of other patients who had gone through completely different walks of life but we were all there for each other, for the goal of getting feeling ourselves again.

The whole team I had while I was there was amazing.  At the end of my 10 day stay, we had a family meeting including my parents, Cody’s parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law.  I felt that this was so important.  They were able to learn more about how my brain works, what I struggle with and ask any questions they had about me.  Then I was discharged to continue my journey at home.

I am so thankful for my family being by my side while I was at CAP.  I am so thankful for all of the staff at CAP.  You all truly saved my life and changed it for the better.   

If you or someone you know is struggling and in the Prairie Mountain Health area, please click here for more information about Prairie Mountain Health’s inpatient psychiatric facilities.  If you have any questions about this, please go to my contact page and I would be happy to help.