Writing Letters for Healing

When I first arrived at CAP, I was so overwhelmed.  I knew that there were a lot of things bothering me, but I had no idea where to start.

One night after staring at my journal for what seemed like hours, I realized what I was feeling in that moment wasn’t anxiety like I thought it was.  I was sitting in pure rage.

I don’t remember ever feeling so overwhelmed with anger in my life.  Tears were falling down my cheeks with frustration as well as happiness of coming to the realization that my anxiety wasn’t all anxiety. 

I started writing down a list of traumatic events that were causing me to feel unbelievably angry in that moment.  Not long after sitting down and putting pen to paper, I had a whole page of things that I was holding onto so deep down I didn’t realize was bothering me.

When my nurse came in to check on how I was doing that evening I showed her a list of what had been bothering me and that I had narrowed down my emotion to anger.  I told her how I didn’t know what to do with this list.  

She asked me if I had ever thought of writing a goodbye letter to the person or event that had caused me this trauma.  I had never really thought of it.  Deep down I never really liked writing things down in case someone found it and read it.  I was afraid of disappointing people with the thoughts that I had in my head.  

Finally at this point in my life I felt comfortable to start writing down my feelings.  I felt like I had nothing else to lose and if it didn’t work, it was just another form of therapy that I had tried and could stroke it off of the list.

That night I started writing letters in my journal about some of the traumatic events that I had been through.  The letters I wrote that night were safe in my journal.  I felt like if I ever needed to go back to reflect on them that I felt like that was okay.

The next day, my mom picked me up for a 2 hour leave from the centre.  We went to the dollar store and picked up lined paper.  When I returned, I quickly got to work writing letters that will never be sent to the people they were intended for.  I got every bit of anger out I could towards these people in a safe environment.  I know I am not the type of person to make waves and make people “pay” for what they had done, but in those letters, I got it all out.  These letters are now forever referred to as my “fuck you letters”.

As I wrote, I brought up things that may not have ever bothered some people, but it bothered me;  I went back to memories as young as 8 years old and spewed what I had been thinking all of these years.  The best part of it was I am never going to give these letters away so I will not feel invalidated for what has happened, but I also have physical written proof of why I have put boundaries up.

I didn’t cry one tear writing my “fuck you letters”.  I think I grinded my teeth more than anything.  

But I needed to get more feelings out either than just anger.  I needed to get some things out that I never had the courage to say.  I wrote a letter to my family.

In this letter I wrote about how I felt like a disappointment to them because they never asked for any of my problems to be in their lives.  I even apologized for being a part of their family.  I felt that my existence in this world was letting them down.  I cried so much writing this letter.  I was writing about so much that I had thought over the years, but I was too afraid to speak up and say.  I ended the letter expressing how much I loved them and that I would need their help to get back to myself.

This letter was different than my “fuck you letters”; I brought it to supper the night that I was able to do my overnight leave, and I read it out loud.  I was met with nothing but love.  They didn’t know that I had been feeling this way, and such small things were bothering me.  I was hugged, told I was so loved, and told I was not a disappointment to them.  Even now writing about it brings tears to my eyes because I knew they loved me, but now I know they understand me more and made me feel even more loved by validating my feelings.

Writing letters will now be a whole new coping tool that I didn’t know would work for me.  I have always been afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, but some things can be left written down but unsaid and still get the pressure off of your shoulders.  I am also so grateful that I had read my letter to my family of things that I needed to say, but had never had the bravery to say.

Be kind and eat beef,

Shayla